Living Life in Low Definition
“It gives me a deep comforting sense that things seen are temporal and things unseen are eternal”
-Helen Keller
Oftentimes people ask if I find common trends or issues amongst clients. Of course! Our childhood, race, and culture play into our perspectives and similar experiences can lead to a commonality in perspectives. There may be behaviors and beliefs we share with those that have shared experiences. My job at times is to slow the client down and question their programming.
For female-identified South Asians, it may be easy to notice all the ways our culture impacts us. Patriarchy, and a whole host of other forces, have taught many to feel lesser than and lack self-agency. It can be validating that these experiences are brought to life in books, film, blog articles, and social media. We track for the cliche narratives around marriage and success. We start to know what to look for and have our talking points ready when our Auntie touches our face making comments about our complexion. We can feel empowered and somewhat liberated when we put words to our experience.
Clients speak of all the ways their families have attempted to make them small. There can be a mix of anger and pride in recanting their wins in difficult conversations. They are conscious of the impact of criticism and concentrated attention. However, there are unconscious ways we show up in relationships that may deeply impact our connection with others as a result of this high level of attention from family and their cultural social circle.
Get Off My Back But Stay Here
My parents were always on my back about my appearance, grades, and behavior. Their level of high-definition hyper-focus on me was off-putting and oppressive. I dissociated and shutdown as a means of coping with the constant barrage of criticism. Insecure and never feeling good enough, I went away to college to redefine myself. It worked…somewhat. It wasn’t until later in life when I realized there was much more work to be done.
Hyperfocus
Now I’m living a life away from family. But why do I still seek a level of attention and attunement that’s unrealistic? Why do I spiral into anxiety during a span of three minutes after texting a friend and waiting for a response? Why does it agitate me if someone doesn’t commiserate on my viewpoint?
Although I understood the impact my parents had on me, I didn’t realize how the level of hyperfocus and negative attention shaped me. I needed to be seen. I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts, my thoughts weren’t good enough. I couldn’t be alone with myself, I had to be productive. I needed an immediate response from others because that’s all I knew - I’m the object of attention for better or for worse. I started to notice similar responses due to a perceived lack of attunement amongst South Asian friends and clients.
Attunement in the psychological sense is how well our emotions are acknowledged by caregivers. A healthy level of attunement leads to one feeling understood and accepted. We all seek people who vibe with us, are on our wavelength. And for those who lived under the microscope by controlling caregivers, an imagined lack of attunement can lead to one feeling alone, misunderstood, and unseen.
Waiting For That Text
After several incidents of anxiety-ridden spirals, I got sick of myself. I practiced stopping myself when I got tense in waiting for a response. I actively chose other thoughts - my friend is out having fun and I’m happy for them. I am glad that I can be alone and enjoy my free time. Other times, I let myself go down the rabbit hole and watch my thoughts. Always being on my parents radar taught me that my existence hinged on what others thought of me. It was a struggle to not get caught up in what others thought and focus on how I can better myself. After a while, social gatherings felt easier as I became less attached to what people said. No one had to agree with me, I didn’t need to be attuned to in order to feel whole. Conversations became an exchange of ideas, not a way for me to track if you were paying attention to me.
You don’t have to agree with me, think of me, or always pay attention to me. I am learning to pay attention to myself.